You know I have always sat here and acted like Jeff was this like horrible person and husband (and yes he has done some really crappy and mean stuff) but I have come to realize that I have seriously been no better... and maybe I am a bit worse than him.
You see there once was this other guy and even though I did not choose him when I could have.. I had always thought that the reason I didn't was because I thought he was better than me and that if he knew the real me I would be such a disappointment. Emotional, physical and mental baggage can be a bitch. But, some things were said the other day at lunch with an old friend who happens to be friends with the other guy as well. The things she said he had done the way he acted and allowed others to act around in the sanctity of the marriage he chose to make made me realize that maybe it was more than me not being good enough for him that held me back from him. I spent the next few days thinking this over and at the same time reviewing my feelings toward Jeff. I realized that I had been comparing him to this other guy all along and while Jeff is not perfect and I know he wants to act the way the other did at times. I don't truly think he would allow me too. I seriously felt Jeff could not possibly love me because he didn't act like the other did. Now I realize Jeff is real with me. What I see is what I get... and I am real with him. Where as with the other guy we both hid who we really were deep down.
So, I guess in my realization that this other guy I had put on a pedestal was no better than Jeff and I realized how unfair I have been to Jeff for years now. Do I think we'll stay married NO! But, now I know when it does end it won't be because he wasn't as good as another but because we just couldn't make it work... BUT on the same scope my feelings have shifted when it comes to Jeff. I think I actually appreciate him more and we are actually happier than we have ever been. ALL BECAUSE I FINALLY LET GO OF THE PAST!!
Thanks Andrea!
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Work
Ok so I am sitting here it is like 4:00 p.m. (hour till quiting time or hour till I quit this job and go to my other one at home) and the more I am sitting here (work is done) the more I just really want to go postal.
See my family owns the business I work at (btw my hubby works here too) and both my grandparents, father, step-mother, brother and now my oldest sister work here as well as a n assortment of nonfamily arse holes! I have been here since June 96' it was supposed to be a stop over from college to the real "career" but along the way I made a seriously bad turn and ended up here every since. I guess I should be grateful this job was here as a back-up and it is a small but sucessful company and I truly do enjoy the work I do. I just cannot stand the people I work with. Everysince last Feb when they hired the new girl and gave her my job (she happens to be my step's and dad's "real" daughter) I mean they gave her everything that belonged to me. Why? No idea she had NO experience in this field and they hired her at just a little under what I get paid. Which after 11 year was a real slapinthe face. I have to admit I am not proud of the way I acted the 1st couple of months. I was rude, evil, resentful,bitchy I meaneverything that as a christian I was not supposed to be. I finally came to the realization a couple months ago that it just isn't worth it though cause if these people are going to be this way then they aren't going to care if I show my ass anymore than if I didn't.
So, now my life consists of "yes sirs no sirs yes ma'ams no ma'am's" even to my sister who thinks she has the right to tell me how to do what little they allow me to do around here. I don't think she really means to be that way I think that is just how she is.. u know what I mean. Anyways I am no longer on speaking terms with my dad and although my grandmother at one time (and still is in my heart) was a mother too me.. she took me shopping for prom, wedding all the things a mother does because mine had her own demons she was dealing with at the time..> I just can't seems to get past the betrayal on her part. I hate it here cause my step has pretty much taken over my grandmother job and now she feels she is the "Queen Bee" I would like nothing better than tp pop her in her muth half the time. She is one of those people that loves to call u out when u make a mistake but yet when u confront her on one she always pushes it off on someone else and NEVER even admits it was her fault. I mean c'mon no one is perfect. I hate making mistakes (especially now with everything that is going on) but personally I will admit to them before pushing them on someone else... u know?
I am not sure how I am supposed to act now. Part of me wants to just let it all go and get over it... but another part is still screaming f them all to hell!
ok that is a beginning to where i am at right now. Hope u enjoyed!
See my family owns the business I work at (btw my hubby works here too) and both my grandparents, father, step-mother, brother and now my oldest sister work here as well as a n assortment of nonfamily arse holes! I have been here since June 96' it was supposed to be a stop over from college to the real "career" but along the way I made a seriously bad turn and ended up here every since. I guess I should be grateful this job was here as a back-up and it is a small but sucessful company and I truly do enjoy the work I do. I just cannot stand the people I work with. Everysince last Feb when they hired the new girl and gave her my job (she happens to be my step's and dad's "real" daughter) I mean they gave her everything that belonged to me. Why? No idea she had NO experience in this field and they hired her at just a little under what I get paid. Which after 11 year was a real slapinthe face. I have to admit I am not proud of the way I acted the 1st couple of months. I was rude, evil, resentful,bitchy I meaneverything that as a christian I was not supposed to be. I finally came to the realization a couple months ago that it just isn't worth it though cause if these people are going to be this way then they aren't going to care if I show my ass anymore than if I didn't.
So, now my life consists of "yes sirs no sirs yes ma'ams no ma'am's" even to my sister who thinks she has the right to tell me how to do what little they allow me to do around here. I don't think she really means to be that way I think that is just how she is.. u know what I mean. Anyways I am no longer on speaking terms with my dad and although my grandmother at one time (and still is in my heart) was a mother too me.. she took me shopping for prom, wedding all the things a mother does because mine had her own demons she was dealing with at the time..> I just can't seems to get past the betrayal on her part. I hate it here cause my step has pretty much taken over my grandmother job and now she feels she is the "Queen Bee" I would like nothing better than tp pop her in her muth half the time. She is one of those people that loves to call u out when u make a mistake but yet when u confront her on one she always pushes it off on someone else and NEVER even admits it was her fault. I mean c'mon no one is perfect. I hate making mistakes (especially now with everything that is going on) but personally I will admit to them before pushing them on someone else... u know?
I am not sure how I am supposed to act now. Part of me wants to just let it all go and get over it... but another part is still screaming f them all to hell!
ok that is a beginning to where i am at right now. Hope u enjoyed!
HA I am a blogger!
Anyways so I always here about people blogging and such and I have done it a time or two on my MySpace page but nothing crazy but u know I doubt anyone will be able to find me here so maybe I can use this as my release spot.
Be prepared because there is areason I do not share my life with my friends anymore!
Be prepared because there is areason I do not share my life with my friends anymore!
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