Love

You know I have always sat here and acted like Jeff was this like horrible person and husband (and yes he has done some really crappy and mean stuff) but I have come to realize that I have seriously been no better... and maybe I am a bit worse than him.

You see there once was this other guy and even though I did not choose him when I could have.. I had always thought that the reason I didn't was because I thought he was better than me and that if he knew the real me I would be such a disappointment. Emotional, physical and mental baggage can be a bitch. But, some things were said the other day at lunch with an old friend who happens to be friends with the other guy as well. The things she said he had done the way he acted and allowed others to act around in the sanctity of the marriage he chose to make made me realize that maybe it was more than me not being good enough for him that held me back from him. I spent the next few days thinking this over and at the same time reviewing my feelings toward Jeff. I realized that I had been comparing him to this other guy all along and while Jeff is not perfect and I know he wants to act the way the other did at times. I don't truly think he would allow me too. I seriously felt Jeff could not possibly love me because he didn't act like the other did. Now I realize Jeff is real with me. What I see is what I get... and I am real with him. Where as with the other guy we both hid who we really were deep down.

So, I guess in my realization that this other guy I had put on a pedestal was no better than Jeff and I realized how unfair I have been to Jeff for years now. Do I think we'll stay married NO! But, now I know when it does end it won't be because he wasn't as good as another but because we just couldn't make it work... BUT on the same scope my feelings have shifted when it comes to Jeff. I think I actually appreciate him more and we are actually happier than we have ever been. ALL BECAUSE I FINALLY LET GO OF THE PAST!!

Thanks Andrea!